Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
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Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”