I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
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[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
Just me and my debit card against the world
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Pikachu found the lost joint
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.