i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
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*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.