All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
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Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
when dads have a rap battle
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.