Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
You Might Also Like
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off