Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
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Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”