At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
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I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.