doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
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ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
Bring back the McRib
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?