People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
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It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
Body by cheese-puffs.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.