Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
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me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.