I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
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8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me