GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
You Might Also Like
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
When you let grandma cat sit
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.