here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
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I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
“TGIM!” – My liver
My wife gives the best headache.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”