I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
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Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats