The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
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WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE