The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
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i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”