[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
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A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
Guilty! 🤪
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.