Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
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“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.