“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
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Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.