“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
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Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
new year update: losing everything but weight
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying