Cause of death: Zumba
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My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
as is their right
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?