Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
You Might Also Like
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Thoughts
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.