Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
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To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.