Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
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Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!