sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
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by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3