Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
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Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*