i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
You Might Also Like
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga