Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
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She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
Love it! 👍😂
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*