Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
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Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.