[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
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“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
584.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
cat vs inanimate object
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.