Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
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that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.