Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
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Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?