If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
You Might Also Like
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.