I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
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I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
What?!?
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick