After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
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My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
the saddest jazz hands ever
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12