My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
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I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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.
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By the pound.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”