Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
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Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
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My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.