I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
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Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.