My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
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job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
You can’t rush stupid.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.