To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
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nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon