Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
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He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.