Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
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me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.