When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
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*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Once again not all heroes wear capes
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂