Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
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here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.