Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
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“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Leaving the Barbers like
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.