Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
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Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap