Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
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The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing