I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
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Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
How to find Kentucky on a map
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.