Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
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Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
When ur friends with white people
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?