ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
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Got ya covered
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
That de-escalated quickly
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent